Dear Fellow Lab Patients

As you can see, it is packed in here.  We are all here to have some blood drawn or pee in a cup (well, except those of you have driven someone here or those of you who are here just to keep the patient company and thereby taking up the last remaining chair) and as it is fairly early in the morning, we can assume that most of us are fasting and would like to get out of here within the hour before we rip someone's throat out.  You can help speed the process along.

First of all, you are an old person.  This is not the first time you have had to come to the lab for tests and since all 4 labs in this town are run by the same company, it's safe to assume that the procedure is the same in all of them.  You go to the counter, take a number and sit down.  While you are waiting for your number to be called, you could get your Health Card and your Doctor's Orders out of your immense handbag because you know that you will have to produce them for the Patient Ladies behind the counter.  Don't  be startled by this request; it happens every time. 

It would have been helpful as well if you had read the Orders before you arrived at the Lab in case you were meant to be fasting or something.  If you haven't been fasting and were supposed to be, the Patient Ladies cannot take your blood no matter how much you beg and plead.  Bugger off home and try again another day.

After the Patient Ladies have inputted your information into the computer, you know they will return your Health Card to you.  Please return to your seat to put it back into your immense hand-bag so you are not cluttering up the space at the counter and  the Nice Ladies can move on to the next patient.

If you are hard of hearing, please sit close enough so you can hear the next Patient Lady call your name when it's your turn to have your blood drawn.  Do not sit in the very back of the room next to the tv so you cannot possibly hear the Patient Lady calling your name 15 3 times. 

If you have mobility issues, please sit close enough so it does not take you 5 hours minutes to shuffle walk to the blood-taking area.

While you are having your blood drawn, do not start a big, long story with the Patient Lady that you have to finish before you leave; she is busy and honestly, she doesn't really care and there are 30 starving people still waiting their turn.

If we all work together, the Lab experience might not be as unnecessarily horrific as it was this morning.

Regards,
Starving Little Red Hen